How-To, Inner Work

How To Correct Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

Some of us notice an unhealthy pattern in our adult partnerships, and we can’t seem to figure out why we keep attracting the same partner in different bodies. The root cause of this may be the acting out of our parental relationships in unconscious hopes of healing that within us which we perceive as wounded. As like attracts like, we unconsciously attract partners who desire to heal the wounds within them. These wounds may stem from abuse, neglect, or an incomplete bond with a parental figure. This is not a new story, and we can see all around us couples who are more like mother and son, or father and daughter, than equals.

In our search for “mother” or “father” through humanized forms, we tend to compartmentalize partners into roles we believe they should fit. To be a truly independent being we must provide for and nurture ourselves. We truly are whole and complete beings within. Our self-love is not reliant on another. When we act from that knowing, we are then able to share the overflow with those in our life in a give-and-take built on a foundation of sheer desire to share, as opposed to wanting our needs to be filled.

For a man, women will respond to your inner child’s need for nurturing, but your mother cannot be your lover. In the mother-child relationship equal balance can never be reached, as each believes they are in control. The child cries out, the mother responds with comfort – the child thinks he controls the mother’s actions. The child ‘misbehaves’ and the mother withholds love until he acts in an “acceptable” manner – the mother thinks she controls the child’s actions.

For a woman, men will respond to your inner need to be provided for, for attention and approval. If he does not give in the way expected it is perceived that he is withholding love, and a woman in turn will de-value herself. We women can sometimes go to great lengths to win that approval, often feeling worse about ourselves in the end.

A mature, healthy relationship cannot take place in either context. When we withhold love from anyone we are withholding it from ourselves. When we attempt to control others through our expectations of them, we cannot see them as they truly are. When our happiness, our love, is reliant on another person, it is then we find ourselves in error.

Our ideal “parent” will never be found in any human form because he or she does not exist, and we will be disappointed repeatedly until we realize this. The only true parent we have ever had – and in Truth will ever have- is God. No man or woman can ever give us what we seek, or live up to our expectations, because no man or woman is GOD itself! Once we allow God to fulfill that role for us – when we become “as dependant as a child” on God to fulfill all of our needs – we will truly be free to stop seeking it from a partner, or anyone.

Whatever symbol or metaphor you use in your mind to envision God playing this part for you (if you want to think of it as Mother Earth, an Archetypical Father, etc.) is good. However, you have to be willing to connect to it and ALLOW it to BE THAT FOR YOU. This is where true maturity occurs, knowing you need none else than God. In reality, there is nothing else.

When we cease expectation of a partner as mother, father, caretaker, provider, nurturer, etc., we will be able to see people as they truly are, stop attempting to control the relationships, stop expecting them to fulfill our needs, and see it for what it is. We will not want to withhold love, but give it as freely as it is given to us. We will be able to let things be. That is TRUE POWER! The need to manipulate people and situations stems from insecurity about what we are, regardless of what the ego tells you. What you are is a beautiful child of God, with a love so deep you could heal the world, and what you’ll find when you give that love away is that there is more than enough for you too.

The fear that we are bound to someone by loving him or her is a false belief; the ability to love without expectation is FREEING! People will walk in and out of your life, but if you love them, and allow things to just be, you’ll find that everyone is right where they belong. You have lost nothing, because no matter what we tell ourselves we cannot possess anyone in any case. How can you lose something you never possessed? It is impossible. Change is the nature of Hell. Love is changeless. Amen.

From A Course In Miracles: “I loose the world from all I thought it was. What keeps the world (you) in chains but your beliefs? And what can save the world except your Self? Belief is powerful indeed. The thoughts you hold are mighty, and illusions are as strong in their effects as is the truth. A madman thinks the world he sees is real and does not doubt it. Nor can he be swayed by questioning his thoughts effects. It is when their source is raised to question that the hope of freedom comes to him at last.” “There is no world apart from what you wish,and herein lies your ultimate release.”

What you will find when you allow God to be your only parent is that you are accepted, provided for, nurtured, and loved beyond measure exactly the way you are. You need not do anything to win God’s love. He gives loves freely simply because you are His child. You will begin to see your ‘earthly parents’ as adults who acted from their own point of understanding, and let expectations go. Let go of past hurts and disappointments. Let God show you who and what you are. Your ‘earthly parents’ got you this far, let God take over from here, and bring you Home.

©2008 & 2023 Susan Sloane

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